When my children were growing up they had many friends and most of them frequently came to our house to hang out, especially on nights when I was serving pasta. One of my children told me of a friend called “Little Bit”. I asked why she was called this and he answered, well, she’s little and she likes to cut herself a little bit. Little Bit never came to the house. She was what is known as a “cutter” and was imprisoned in her own home and within her own emotional turmoil. I spoke with my child who knew her, told him about cutting and that this girl needed help. He did take her to a few sessions at a psychiatric unit, but she stopped going. Little Bit died.

The reasons behind cutting are many and often difficult to understand. Cutting is a way that some people, often teenagers, use to cope with the pain of intense emotions of abuse, rejection, desperation, grief, bullying, and sexual molestation. Their coping skills may be overpowered by emotions that are so strong, the only way they know to ease the pain is through self-inflicted wounds. In some strange manner it gives them a sense of control, perhaps the only control they have over the emotions raging within them.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. My plea is that if you are a parent of a child who is exhibiting signs of cutting, get them help. Do not go into denial yourself because this child’s life is at risk. Today’s children face untold pressure. We need to make them aware that there is help, that their abuse can be stopped, and we must see to it that the perpetrator is punished through the legal system.

Little Bit was a cutter who died. Think of her if you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence. Please call 1-800-799-SAFE-(7233). If it involves a perpetrator in the home, use the phone of a friend.  Save these children as well as women who are victims of heinous acts.  

—cher

Misogyny is defined as “hatred, dislike or mistrust of women.” It seems that hate crimes against women are increasing as we are perceived as soft targets. One must wonder what role the Internet plays in this. Perhaps the Internet has become a place where some socially isolated men (or women) find it easy to hide behind an avatar and spew venom or prey upon others due to some latent mental pathology.

Several months ago after blogging about his angst toward women, his isolation and his anger, a man in our city shot twelve women in a fitness club. He killed three of them, and then shot himself. He had blogged about these issues since at least November of 2008. In an ideal world, those who did read that blog and failed to notify authorities should be considered complicit in these murders.

Perhaps the larger issue is the virtual world of the Internet and how many individuals are becoming more socially isolated. There are numerous social media sites and millions of blogs. As with much of technology, that brings about both good and bad. The global community is within reach. We concern ourselves with politics not only here but worldwide. We also add ‘friends’ we know very little about, but the true social aspects of our own living communities may be diminishing. The desire to know your neighbors has been replaced by Internet addresses of those whose faces we may never actually see. Neighborhoods are now defined by social media sites. People like the shooter at the fitness club get lost in the sphere of Internet-shaped ideology. He lived in a virtual world, per police accounts, but did he have the ability interact with real individuals and with women in particular?

Increasingly we have gone to virtual communities rather than building networks within our actual locales. And somehow through it all, women are becoming targets. It may be by a shooting in a gym, sexting, Internet stalking or domestic violence as validated through sites which condone heinous acts and are interpreted as alliances.

Women need to heed the warning signs. Keep in mind that anything you put on the Internet is there forever. Choose your words carefully. Perhaps we could not have thwarted someone like the shooter at the gym, but it is incumbent upon us all to raise awareness. Parents, guard your children. Husbands, guard your wives. To all of us, build and network within your own neighborhood, not just the virtual ones. Not everyone out there has virtue.

—cher

Image credit: Ronfromyor

Has it really come to this? A homeless man in New York saves the life of a passerby, yet after he was stabbed by the same perpetrator, countless people walked passed him as though he was some sort of debris on a New york sidewalk. I remember a story from years ago, again from New York, when a person was threatening to jump to his suicidal death. On-lookers yelled, “Jump! Jump!”, and so he did.

I recall another incident in which a woman was screaming while  being raped in a dark New York alley. Though people heard her screams, no one came to her aid, not wanting to ‘get involved.’ This does not just happen in New York, of course, but unfortunately across the country. And if you want to make a stretch, think of the genocide, rapes and murders in the DR Congo which go unpunished and condoned in absentia of social conscience.

We must somehow look at these acts as indictments of society’s lack of caring outside the field of self. Unless we as a society begin to care about such heinous acts, we are as guilty as the perpetrators and those who pass by with little more than a glance.

—cher

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Fifteen year old Phoebe Price had moved with her family from Ireland to South Hadley, Massachusetts. As with all teenagers, she wanted to fit in. That was not to happen. Reports from Northwestern Districts Attorney Elizabeth D. Scheibel stated , “Phoebe spent her last day alive tormented by classmates at school. Some of the bullies taunted her and threatened her as she walked home. Their conduct far exceeded the limits of normal teenage relationship- related quarrels. The investigation revealed relentless activity directed toward Phoebe designed to humiliate her and make it impossible for her to remain at school.”  Phoebe’s plight ended when she hanged herself in a closet in the stairway leading to her family’s house.  She was found by her twelve year old sister.

Three of the nine classmates charged in connection with Phoebe’s death will be tried as adults. That is as it should be. Two of the three are 18 years old and are charged with statutory rape. A 17 year old girl has been charged with criminal harassment. The investigation continues and others may be charged.  What drives these children to such heinous acts?

Some reports speculate that bullies are looking for attention and that this is a way to be more popular. Some may come from families in which anger and lack of positive resolution is the norm. Most bullies do not care about the feelings of others, and consequences of these acts do not enter their minds. While most schools have anti-bullying policies, this wretched behavior continues. Perhaps teachers and parents need to be better trained to recognize the sign and symptoms. Influences abound in the lives of teenagers, not the least of which is what they put on the Internet and social media such as Facebook, where you are considered not “in” unless you have a page there.

Certainly Phoebe has not been the only suicide committed as a result of bullying. The numbers are increasing and this is an issue which must be addressed. Personally, I would hold the parents of minors whose children are bullies accountable.  Make them ante up for their lack of parenting.

For this situation to end in the desperate act of suicide is achingly painful to think about. Children driving other children to end their lives so the taunting will stop is unacceptable. To parents I would say, listen to your child. Let them know they are not alone. Alert authorities that your child is being subjected to this. Find social groups such as sports or other school activities for you child to become involved. Statistics state that when teens who hang out in groups of two or more, they are less likely to be bullied. And hold schools accountable. Attend school board meetings and demand that all are aware and proactive in fighting this horrendous behavior.

Finally, if your child exhibits suicidal thoughts or behavior, contact National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 or National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-784-2433.

“If I ruled the world, every heart would have a new song to sing….”

—cher

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Lost Tears

In the United States, every 9 seconds a woman is battered. This most often happens at the hands of her husband or boyfriend. There are many contributing factors, not the least of which is a lagging economy in which a wife or girlfriend becomes the target of the abuser’s frustration. Another factor is kindred to Pavlov’s dog theory of classical conditioning. If a person was abused as a child, they are more likely to become abusive as adults. As sons watch fathers commit these heinous acts, it becomes a learned behavior, a cultural phenomenon which must be addressed. Perhaps it is worthy to note that there are nearly three times as many animal shelters here as there are shelters for battered women. This violence, however, is not limited to the United States.

The United Nations Population Fund reports that so-called “honor killings” take the lives of thousands of young women every year, mainly in North Africa, Western Asia and parts of South Asia. Often it happens within Islamic families, though “honor-killings” are not a tenant of that faith. The woman may have committed adultery, may have been raped or dressed inappropriately, thereby bringing shame to her family. The result is her murder at the hands of her husband or family. From this, a yet another phenomenon has evolved.

A startling number of “honor suicides” has emerged in Turkey. This is a process whereby a woman who ostensibly shamed her family, chooses to commit suicide under pressure from her family so they may avoid penalties for murdering her. The New York Times reported that some suicides appeared in Kurdish-inhabited regions of Turkey. A special envoy for the United Nations was sent to Turkey to investigate suspicious suicides among Kurdish girls. The Times stated that these suicides were “honor killings disguised as suicide or accident.” The true numbers of these occurrences may never be known.

In yet another country, over 80 women in the Iraqi province of Diyala committed suicide to escape the shame of being raped. What is even more horrific is that a 51 year old Iraqi woman named Samira Jassim confessed to Iraqi police that she had organized these rapes. She then persuaded each of the women that to become a suicide bomber was the only way to escape their shame.

While global terror is on the international stage for consideration, we must raise awareness that terror, unfortunately, often begins in the home and it is women who suffer dire consequences with no stage, no shelter and too little attention. Women are not objects. Women are human beings who deserve rights accorded to them through international human rights laws and within the courts of our global conscience.

International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women

See how you can help. This cause is being sponsored for 16 days beginning Nov. 25th through Bloggers Unite.

—cher