I am almost done wrapping Christmas gifts, so the only thing left to do is fill the Christmas stockings, virtual ones that is. Help me check my list and feel free to add or subtract if you like.

Newt Gingrich: Funny how that last name so resembles the name “Grinch.” Because Newt is such a war-monger, he gets a tiny GI Joe and some plastic tanks to play with. Maybe that will keep him from starting a nuclear war.

Mitt Romney: Mitt gets a pair of yellow flip-flops!

Michelle Bachmann: Any woman who smiles as much as she does during serious debates gets a Frownie Tee-shirt to help her remember that these are times when many people are hurting. Wipe that freaking smile off your face!

Rick Perry: This man gets Cliff Notes on how to keep your foot out of your mouth, plus a global map so he can learn geography and names of countries vs. continents.

Jerry Sandusky: I cannot call him a man but I will give him a free trip to a Harley convention where the big boys can take care of him.

Congress: I am giving them a one month pass to live in a middle class neighborhood so they can stand in line at the food bank and think of creative ways to balance an empty bank account. While they are gone, their homes will be foreclosed, pensions taken away, and they will have lost their medical benefits. Santa doesn’t like mean.

Some Female Acquaintances: You get reindeer doo-doo for mistaking my kindness as a weakness and trying to bully me into submission of your ridiculous ways. I will also attach a copy of  How to Win Friends and Influence People. Biotches, I know you by your names. Careful what you wish for.

Happy Holidays!

—cher

Sharon Osbourne once said, “Always treat your husband like a rock star!” For those of us who have a husband, there is much to consider about the care and feeding of him. It’s not like taking care of fish, you know. Even if you are in a committed relationship, some of this may help you. I am no relationship counselor, so just take my considerations as coming from married woman.

1. Do not marry a rock star. I have been there and it wasn’t pretty. Think of all those rock stars whose relationships ended up on the rocks. If your man is in love with the mirror, either hide your pantyhose so he doesn’t try to wear them, or realize you will never be able to compete with ‘Himself.’ My mother used to refer to my father that way. “Did you know I put my Prince Machebelli bath oil in Himself’s bath water today?” I had to laugh because Himself had come home early one day to get ready for “a meeting.” Well, at least that is what he told my doubting mother. Since she knew he had no sense of smell (really!), she sabotaged his preparatory bath with more than a tad of this perfumed bath oil. Wherever he was going, and he had a dubious history, I’m sure he made a quite a splash.

2. Hide your Victoria’s  Secret catalogs. Face it; we can’t compete with those air-brushed bodies, so why give your husband ready access to those fab photos? Instead, order something sexy and surprise him unexpectedly one night. Put a dab of your favorite perfume on a light bulb and let it waft through the air as you make your entrance. Then quickly turn off the light, unless of course you are air-brushed.

3. Feed your husband lots of chocolates. They are good for the endorphins and will give him a happy high. Remember to do this on days when you have done something naughty, like putting your joint account over the limit. Then, be naughty…but nice!

4. Learn the game of football. What is more testosterone-filled than football? If you let him teach you about it, he will know that he is master of your knowledge base and you may actually enjoy it together. If you are a beginner, take your cues from him. Cheer when he cheers and rant when he rants. You can always ask why you did what you just did, but he will already be on the next play. Take notes secretly if you must and make sure munchies are at his fingertips throughout the game. Be prepared to give him a back-rub in the event his team looses. Hint: Warm baby oil works well.

5. Praise him. I am true believer in positive reinforcement. I must confess that my husband is good at everything, and I sing his praises all the time. I want him to know he is appreciated by the one who makes sure his socks are washed.

6. Cook his favorite meals. Let’s be honest here. A woman’s way of nurturing is often through her cooking. It is labor, of course, but make it a labor of love. If not, make reservations!

7. Remember this: One woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure. If you think your husband is a treasure, let him know it. If you treat him like trash, some other woman will find him like a grabber at a flea market and take him—after all the work you put in.

—cher