Survival of the Unlovely
My parents found me to be an anomaly. They were both considered good looking and attractive people. My mother had a style that attracted a plethora of friends. My father’s Irish wit drew many as he told Celtic stories and sang in an Irish tenor voice to those he entertained. My brother was beautiful, gifted with my father’s blue eyes and my mother’s brown hair, as well as her intellect. He was stellar in all he did and rose to the pinnacle of corporate success by age 30.
I on the other hand, was skinny, had to work hard for good grades, had unruly naturally curly hair, was shy, and had a long nose. My parents pitied me and disdained me at the same time. I was not, in their estimation, a proper representative of them as an off-spring. My mother tried her best to dissuade me from going to college, though I had been accepted at several. She believed I was meant to be a secretary.
Through my childhood years, both parents became alcoholics and abusive to me verbally and physically. By default, I became their caretaker and my brother’s. “They give us crumbs for love,” my brother would say, and I would hug him through his stuttering speech brought about by the trauma of parents in the bottle. To the outside world we were an upscale family and good Catholics, though only my brother and I went faithfully to mass. I had determined that since I had no “parents” I would look to God to be my Father, invisible and thinking me lovely. Deo gracias.
I went to college sans my mother’s consent and found a love for learning. I earned a degree in Education as the job market for secretaries diminished.
Time went on. I did have a successful career and attained at least a modicum of recognition there. To those men who told me they loved me, I was grateful that my mother had been proved wrong. It turned out that subliminally I had attracted men who were much like my father, and I left those relationships. Deo gracias.
With my career success, I was able to afford a nose job and I straightened my hair with straightening irons. I began to feel less unlovely. I also learned to reach out to those less fortunate than I. It gave me a measure by which I could thank my Father, whom I knew was carrying me in the palm of His hand. Deo gracias.
They are all gone now. Parents died from the consequences of their lifestyles and my poor brother committed suicide. He never found enough crumbs to sustain him. And I am here. Somehow I survived the abuse and the love with-held. The “unlovely” one remains, but why? I search my soul each day and ponder this. It should have been my brother who survived, not me. Perhaps the abuse fortified me, but it was God who sustained me. Deo gracias.
“Survival of the fittest,” my mother used to say to me and I am quite certain she did not see me as being fit. This is just one of the millions of survival stories out there. Self-awareness, and ridding one’s self of self-loathing can be done. For me it was faith in a God whom I cannot see, but I know exists. Deo gracias.
March 8th is designated as International Women’s Day. Please consider the importance of the women in your life. Help them to feel lovely for their hearts and minds. Care for them as God would and reach out to those who have been cast asunder as being unlovely.
—cher
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Greetings cher,
An incredibly open and transparent posting you have submitted.
Through the trials and tribulations of your life; you have demonstrated a determined resilience in the face of a negative environment that you refused to overwhelm you.
You have my utmost admiration. Much of your tale echoes that of the woman that I loved. If only I had the strength to have been more supportive to her. Sadly, I collapsed as a man and became overwhelmed by her childhood trauma.
I have learned lessons, and now, no matter what, I cherish the ladies who have blessed my life.
With great respect and kindness, your way, Gary.
Dear Gary,
Please don’t be harsh on yourself. It is often difficult to deal with someone scarred by the past. We (they) need to learn self-acceptance and trust before we can properly be a partner. Life teaches us all many lessons if we are open to them. You now “cherish” the ladies in your life and that is so very honorable.
Thank you for your kindness and for being a wonderful Blogging friend. Know how much you are appreciated.
Wow, Cher. What a testament your life is!
It’s amazing that, as terrible as people can be—and as terrible as “the church” has been in its treatment of women and most other things—still, there is the possibility for love, hope, and faith.
It makes me sad to see how mainstream Christianity has become about judging and division and materialism, while the story of God has always been the way that He leads the broken and disenfranchised to healing, wholeness, and restoration. There’s more of God in the story of your life than in any sermon or service.
Great post.
Carpetbagger,
It does sadden me as well that churches have become less about faith and more about division. True faith can be instilled, and one can feed from that Bread when they are starving. Never doubt that what YOU are doing (and I would refer people to read to your blog here) is serving as God would want. Be well, Bagger. You are a blessing.
Blessings to you and your strength through difficult times and you obviously have exceeded your own expectations.
Your writing is a gift and just wonderful, I clearly felt your pain and am so pleased you are moving forward.
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
Incredibly Powerful Cher. isn’t it marvelous that legacy is the thing we create by out living our doubters. you have done that graciously with the power of Gods love. “faith is the food of the determined; and success shall be their reward”. I read that somewhere in my divinity reading and it sticks with me. remember that always my friend. Patience is a gift given only to the wise
Oh to be a woman…do hear us ROAR~
Cher you may not have fit your mothers ideal ‘mold’…but Lady you most certainly fit the mold of this very unique and charismatic women that I know by the name of Cher
The loss is on the side of the minds that are blinded by their own fears and shortcomings…they truly are the victims of their own demise.
~It is true that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are…it is also true that… we are responsible for who we become….for that is who we are today~
Cher,
I noticed on my Paul Klee wall calendar that Monday is to be International Women’s Day, but, since it was a multilingual calendar, my eye dwelt mostly on the Cyrillic alphabet of the Russian wording bold among the others.
You’re right. For years I took it as reflexive that women are treated more or less like men. Wrong. And the Madeleine Peyroux lyrics, not quite signaling ‘abuse’ do shout ‘neglect’ and ‘disposal’.
Two quick things:
1) God is in no real way an orthodox figure in my life. Brought up as I have been, God is a good listener at the Formica Deli Table in the sky, the Person who will ultimately tell me that I was — despite shocking detours — on the right track. And that I myself have been a participant in creating what She or He sketched out; and
2) (Don’t laugh) Being one of the women ‘in my life’, I extend to you my appreciation for this long-distance ‘mind-meld’. It’s contact with such as you that goes to prove the value of things. Thank you for having turned into who you are!
Cher,
I know I’m a guy, but you’ve brought tears to my eyes. I’ll admit it.
As a parent, when I hear stories like yours, it just makes me so emotional. Parents have such a responsibility to help guide and shape these people they’ve created. It’s hard to be perfect, but why don’t people try harder? Damn!!!!!!!!!!
You are a survivor. More than a survivor. And the stories you share help all of us pause and think, and want to be better people.
You are truly an amazing person. And your spirit shines so brightly!
Your friendship is a blessing.
And one more thing.
I have a bunch of close Guy friends, but the women in my life are so very special. More Guys should realize how wonderful it is to have women friends beyond their wives or girlfriends. Tricky to manage, but so great!
And my five year old daughter. Delicious!!
RE,
I am not the most patient person, at least with myself (as you know!), but I am driven by faith and a love for life as I now know it. Thank you my friend.
Dear D,
“we are responsible for who we become….” That is a profound statement from a profound woman. As always, your wisdom is savored.
Trulyfool,
You never fail to astonish me with your perception and the very poetic way in which you express yourself. This long distance “mind-meld” with you is a treasure. I am so glad you watched Madeleine Peyroux’s video. She has an ability to give subtle glimmers of deep issues and it takes one a bit off-guard. You noted that is was more about neglect and disposal than abuse, and you are so correct.
I used to try to comfort my aching brother by telling him that what our parents did was benign neglect, though I never believed it myself. And for many years I considered myself as disposable. That is no longer the case, but you see, your perception was completely apt.
Thank you for being who you are.
One of The Guys,
I have always felt that men who could allow themselves to weep were quite strong in character. Men suffer stereotypes often as much as women. How often have you heard, “Real men don’t cry”? Actually, it is just the opposite. A man who is comfortable in his manhood and his character is one who allows real emotions in. That is why you relate so well to the women in your life and to your daughter. She stands a wonderful chance in life with you as her male role model.
Keep shining your positive light. You are a cherished friend.
Hey Cher,
At the outset, let me acknowledge the power in your post to come forth and share your personal story on Women’s Day. Its not the empowered women or International Icons that just need attention and recognition on IWD but women like you who live a common man’s life and have inspiring stories to tell. Externalizing tribulations, like the way you did in this post, in my view is like gaining momentum to get going and keep on moving in life and am glad to learn that God has blessed you with such eternal energy.
Thanks for sharing about yourself
Barkha Dhar
http://dharbarkha.blogspot.com/
Barkha Dhar,
I am humbled by your sentiments. Thank you so much for your kind spirit of friendship.
Cher
You do have a wonderful way with words and a refreshing honesty, being open about our histories can only help others to be open and maybe learn to deal with their own baggage. I think most of us get our moment to “shine”, it may be after an acceptance of ourselves as “ok” people. …………..You are shining Cher…keep the glow.